Dirty
by ayameru
Summary: Confronted by Poland for the reason why he would not hug or kiss him anymore, Lithuania is forced to look back into traumatic past, with his forceful relationship with Russia "It was consensual" , and why he is afraid to touch the one he really loves.


"Hey, Liet," Poland suddenly sat up on the couch he was laying on, reading a magazine. "Do you like me?"

Lithuania stopped his hands and looked back into the living room adjacent to the kitchen. He put down the knife he was holding and wiped his hands on his apron.

"Of course I do, Felix," he replied, surprised. "Why do you ask? We've been together for so long- I couldn't have kept it up if I didn't like you."

"You stay with Ivan," Poland grumbled, his chin resting on the back of the sofa, his arms hanging off it. "Do you like him, too?"

Lithuania blushed, is face burning from embarrassment. "You know it's not like that!" he protested. "I'm not there because I want to be!"

"You know you could always leave him and come back to me…. But you never do..." Poland complained as he hopped over the back of the couch and walked up into Lithuania's face.

"Felix, I-," Lithuania tried to reply as he took a step back, but stopped when his eyes met those of Poland's- rich emerald, and shining sharply.

"You know the 'like' I'm talking about isn't something you'd feel between you and Raivis, right?" Poland demanded, inching his face closer.

"Y-yes…" Luthania replied uncomfortably, his eyes wandering.

Lithuania's eyes froze and his eyes dilated in surprise when Poland took his face into his hands and kissed him. Lithuania could not stop himself from pushing him away, cornering himself to the counter behind him.

"Wh-why are you doing this?" he asked, his voice shaking.

Poland pulled himself back up after falling a few steps backward.

"You don't love me?" he asked, walking up to Lithuania again.

"I-," Lithuania could not find words as Poland's sharp gaze captured his own again. He shook; those eyes reminded him of someone else.

"You like Ivan," Poland accused, pushing his finger into the brunette's face.

"Of course not!" Lithuania shouted, shocked. "I would never…!"

"But you let him kiss you? You don't love him but you have sex with you?" Poland moved his head to the side, looking at the floor. "I saw you after the last world conference," he spat.

"N…no…" Lithuania muttered, his body shaking, his hands on his mouth, and his eyes wide open in horror. Flashbacks of the week before crossed the back of his eyes, and the fact that Poland saw, the last person he ever wanted to know the fact, put tears to his eyes.

Poland brought his gaze back, and narrowed his eyes. "You would do all that with him, but not even kiss me? Do you not feel anything for me? Do you never WANT me?!" he cried out.

"I can't…" Lithuania replied, looking down, tears clouding his eyes. "I can't touch you…"

It was consensual, he said to himself every time. He _asked_. And I consented… Never mind that he threatened to go for Latvia or attack Poland otherwise. It is always consensual…

The first time he was asked, he had refused. It was an outrageous idea. Russia was someone he hated- the person who ripped him from Poland and tore away his freedom. As much as he feared him, he could not lose something that meant so much to him for someone like Russia.

Russia had only smiled, that plastered smile, and said, "Alright. I guess I'll have to make due with Raivis then."

Lithuania had not realized what the gravity of the statement had meant. Not until he saw Latvia the next day, laying on his side in his bed, shaking uncontrollably, his eyes blank and fearful, and unable to walk. His face had been covered with cuts and bruises. When Lithuania had tried to get him to at least sit up so that he could feed him, he saw, in shock, that he was naked under the sheets, and he was wounded everywhere on his body, too. As soon as Lithuania had lift the cover, Latvia had curled up into fetal position, his tiny body still shaking.

"So what will it be today?" Both Latvia and Lithuania had jumped at the unexpected voice from the door. Lithuania turned around to see Russia standing by the door, the light from behind lighting his fake smile.

Lithuania had turned back to find Latvia shaking even more, and his eyes filled with tears.

"What should I do today, Toris?" Russia had asked, grinning. "Shall I make do with Raivis again?"

Lithuania took another look at the small frail form in front of him, and turned around, gritting his molars. "I'll come," he had stated, aware that his voice was shaking slightly. Russia had put his arm around Lithuania as he walked out of the room to guide him. He took a look into the room for the last time and called, "What a great friend you have, Raivis."

"Liet? Liet?" Lithuania was suddenly jerked back to consciousness to feel Poland shaking him vigorously. "Are you okay?"

Lithuania opened his eyes to see Poland looking into his face anxiously. He pulled his hands off his head and stood up straighter. Apparently, he had been slouching, his hands strongly pressed on his head.

"You froze, Liet, and started shaking… Oh, thank god you're okay!" Poland cried in relief.

"And…" he mumbled, shifting his gaze. "I'm sorry about earlier… I- I just get really scared and anxious sometimes… That… you don't like me anymore…"

"That would never happen Felix," Lithuania assured him gently, placing his hand on Poland's shoulder. His hand twitched when Poland placed his own hand on top of it. Poland had felt the movement.

"See," he whispered. "You don't even want to touch me anymore… Or hug me… It's like… you are avoiding me at all costs…"

"I-I'm sorry you had to feel that way, I really am!" Lithuania replied, sorrowfully. "But I couldn't touch you… I can't touch you… I'm so… so dirty…"

_Dirty from his hands, his tongue, him being inside me…_

"Liet," Poland said slowly. The sharp needles were gone from his eyes now. "You aren't dirty." He pulled Lithuania into a strong embrace.

"I-… He… My whole body… Every part of it, he's touched… Every part of it, infected by him… I can't touch you, I can't pollute you…"

"Shh… It's okay… you don't have to be afraid…" Poland whispered into the other's ear. Lithuania was shaking, as though through reflex, his senses sensitive from Russia's inflections, his body trained to fear other's touches.

"I want to kill that bastard," Poland growled. "I want to kill him for doing this to you!"

Lithuania slowly brought his own arms up to grab onto Poland's back. He dropped his head on Poland's shoulder and tried his best to stop the shaking.

"Shh…" Poland whispered again, rubbing his back. "No one is going to hurt you. I won't let him."

Lithuania pulled Poland into an even tighter embrace, his tears wetting Poland's shoulder.

"We don't have to do this Liet," Poland said as he watched Lithuania strip and crawl under the covers. "I take back what I said today- I'm perfectly okay with just sleeping next to you like this." He pulled the cover over himself and rolled over, settling right next to Lithuania.

"I- I can do this," Lithuania replied, his voice nervous. Then, in a more determined voice, "I want to. I want to prove myself, prove that I can do this."

"Liet," Poland said softly, looking into his eyes. "We don't have to have sex for you to know I love you, right?" he asked. Lithuania nodded his head slowly.

"It's the same for me, now. I'm willing to go without it for as long as it takes for you to become really comfortable again."

Lithuania sat silent, looking down at the blonde boy next to him.

"Thank you…" he said, finally. "…and… I love you."

He pulled the switch on the bedside lamp. The room suddenly fell into darkness. Lithuania could barely make out Poland's mumble in midst of his yawns.

"I love you too…"


End file.
